Two steps forward?

It felt as if my house was being professionally looted today when I arrived. All of our stuff, that wasn't burned, just smoke damaged, was coming out when I pulled up to take the last few boxes that had been left in the garage by my "pushy" friends :) Inside all the furniture was gone. The guy who was draining our pool had asked Mike about the kitchen table and I guess Mike told him he could have it and anything else he wanted and apparently he wanted it all and some time this weekend he and some of his friends came and took it. It sort of felt like I had been violated and then it turned to a "If I can't have it, I don't want anyone else to have it either!" mentality. I just turned 40 but it felt more like I had just turned 4!

Somehow I imagined this moment differently. I thought I would feel relieved and encouraged - that the de-construction would feel like progress. It didn't. Maybe it would have felt different if I hadn't just sent my baby - who will be 11 on Friday - away to science camp for a week. Maybe if I hadn't just had several awkward conversations with people at school (who were also sending their children off) who were seeing me for the first time since "Valentines Day", them not knowing what to say to me and me not knowing how to respond. But I guess I'll never know, it was what it was and what it was, was uncomfortable.

By 3:30 when we went by to check the progress they were beginning demo on the 2nd floor (pictured above) and still removing debris. Tomorrow, our two story home will be a one story house with a heck of a sky light. Mike, Alyssa and I stood around and watched for a bit lamenting about the expense we had gone through a couple months ago to repair the roof which was being torn apart in front of our eyes. But the exercise proved worthy, from the ashes, emerged the famed vacation journal of Alyssa's that I had blogged about in an earlier post! Oddly enough, it is in perfect condition - also found were three pair of Mike's shoes that were melted together by the soles but this paper composition book was not even singed on the edges, go figure!

Two steps forward, one step back is how I have described our journey lately but today it seemed reversed. It felt like I started out the day taking big, giant steps backward but I think we are in forward motion now, thank God!

And now I'm 40!

I'm 40 today - well, yesterday and the day before too but when I wrote the last post I was a mere 39 years old. "What an F-in' year for Stef with an F " has been my tag line - Fire, Forty, scared to ask what else starts with the letter F.

When Mike turned 40 I had a big surprise party for him, it was a lot of fun but I gave strict instructions to him (months ago) not to do the same for me. I did intend to celebrate this milestone birthday but I don't really enjoy being the center of attention (surprised?) I am always concerned that my reactions may be mis-interpreted so I'd rather not have a bunch of people waiting to see what I will do or say and then have them jump to the wrong conclusion about my expression or body language. I've hear that at 40 you stop worrying about what other people think but it's not true of me just yet - though my concern is more for their feelings than what they think of me so maybe that doesn't come til 50.

As you can probably imagine, or may know because I've told you in person, I am not in the mood to celebrate. Not because I'm 40, not just because of the fire, but because I am emotionally confused - that is not a celebratory emotion and I don't want to fake being happy out of fear that someone will worry that I am "not ok". Honestly, I don't want to fake anything. But it's hard to be real when how I feel in one moment, isn't necessarily the same in the next. "She sounded bad to you? She sounded great to me. How is she really?" Really...sometimes when I laugh, I start to cry - how do you explain that to someone when you don't understand it yourself? I'm a little to old to blame it on puberty so, I guess I've just been trying to avoid the situation all together out of fear of it being mis-interpreted.

I did have a private party the other night though. Some wonderful friends got together and collected e-mailed notes from people who are near and dear to me and bound them together in a precious book that I poured over, all alone, late the other night. It made me laugh and cry - not like the crazy person I described earlier, but like a person who has lived a great life filled with amazing people who love her; who has experienced joy and grief - of her own and shared. And it reminded me that it isn't "real" to be constant with emotions. It's real to cry when your house burns down. It doesn't mean that you aren't ok. It doesn't mean that you don't believe God has a plan or that you don't trust Him to make something good of it. It doesn't mean that you don't know that everything is going to work out. It just means that it sucks and that sometimes it's overwhelming. I don't imagine anyone who is being "real" would argue that.

So be warned, should you choose to spend time with me, I may laugh or I may cry and if you are really lucky you will get the laughing cry. And I don't care what you think about it, maybe because I'm 40 but mostly because I know God is in control and I have learned that His plan is always better than mine even when I don't see it at the time - btw, He knows I don't see it at this time.

As for our house, I didn't get a new one for my birthday :( ...though maybe if I had mentioned it to the adjuster - ok, no, it wouldn't have helped. It still hasn't been knocked down but we are hopeful it will happen in the next week or two, with which I'm sure will come a whole new set of emotions for our whole family so stay tuned.

And...if you'd like to add something to my b.day book, send me an e-mail and I'll paste it in. There are some empty pages for that exact reason.

Be Like a Lighthouse

I guess while this post is about us , it's actually intended as encouragement to you. People keep telling me they can't wait to learn from my experience with this fire and that they are dying for me to share my insights. So here is a quick lesson...

This morning we received and e-mail from our friend Mike and it really helped start our day off well. I wanted to let him know how much the e-mail meant to both of us but there really weren't words. However, I did think of this illustration so, I shared it with him and I'm going to share it with you now.

I feel like we are caught in some crazy swell in the middle of the ocean and we working hard to keep our heads above water but can't seem to make any progress towards the shore. And in fact, many times we think we see a life boat but instead of a life preserver, people or circumstances are hurled at us that make us feel like our heads are being shoved down under the water.

His e-mail was like a lighthouse. Far off in the distance (literally cuz he's a traveling man) there was flicker of light to remind us, help is out there, ready, waiting. There really isn't anything he can do right now to change our situation but that little e-mail gave us the energy to keep paddling for another day and made us realize we aren't as far away from the shore as it sometimes feels.

So, my words of wisdom -don't be like me. As I have made my way through papers that were "rescued" from our office/guest room, I have come across what can now be considered a stack of cards I purchased at various times to send to friends who I was "thinking of" friends who's parents have passed, who needed encouragement, who I miss - that I just never took the time to mail. Don't be like me, be like a lighthouse. If you are thinking of someone, tell them. If you buy a card, mail it. If someone pops into your mind, call them. If it's too late to call, send an e-mail. I think most people know you can't rescue them, and the thing is, they aren't expecting the Coastguard. Talk yourself out of believing that when you don't know what to do, you aren't supposed to do anything. Be a lighthouse.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

...and I want to tell them so, here are some updates on previous blogs and a little new info:



Yes, we have a new shower head now and I no longer smell smoke when I my hair gets wet :)



No, I have not changed the "Home address" on my Navigation System.



Aidan's crosses were found in a melted box, I don't know if it's a bigger miracle that they stayed in tact or that they were ever found.

Mike's mom is doing better and has a home health nurse staying with her.

The dryer still isn't quite right but we are bringing ours over this weekend thanks to some more folks from Terranova (our church) who are lending us a hand.

I am still working on the list of items for our claim. It is a very tedious job and some items are just to priceless to assign a replacement cost to so the cell is empty.

Lenox has been out to inspect the furnace, they were there all day and I think even took it with them.

No news on the demo plans for our house. We did get a bid - though it did not include a price so I don't understand why it's called a bid - to demo the 2nd story only. We don't want to incur the cost of two demo's so we are going to fight to just demo "everything" at once. What "Everything" is defined as is still up in the air, we have decided to engage our own engineer to help determine what is safe to keep.

My mom has been here for a week helping us dig through the stuff we have in the garage - pictured above is what we were able to retrieve initially. Lots of it is dirty and ashy some is molded and a lot is trash :( It's strange though how dirty our hands get when we touch things that seem to be clean, apparently there is a lot of soot we just can't see.

As for us, we are fine - in the most general sense of the term. I have tried to adhere to our "normal schedule" thinking that if we kept everything "normal" it would be "normal". The thing is, there is just nothing normal about this. So, we have begun to adjust our schedules, decline invitations (cuz we just aren't in celebratory moods), put our jammies on early and watch movies together. I guess we are sort of circling our wagons, and trying to regroup. But don't forget about us. Keep praying, calling and e-mailing. It's nice to have the break, and terribly depressing to check my e-mail and not have anything but junk. I used to get over 100 e-mails a day. If we're too busy, we won't answer or check so don't worry about bothering us - sometimes a bother is just what we need.

Beware of the Church Lady

The Church Lady shirt may have burned but look what survived. Last week when my "pushy friends" were digging around in the rubble, Carolyn retrieved these. If you've seen the pictures, you know that everything in Aidan's room was burned pretty much beyond recognition. But these crosses, most of which are made out of wood or plastic, are in tact and that's exactly where they were. Now, these were not in any type of fire safe or metal container. How they made it, I can not begin to speculate but when I showed them to Aidan yesterday, he was certain it was nothing short of a miracle. They are all special to him in their own way but the crucifix is extra special because it was given to him by my grandfather who passed away just a little over a year ago.

Receiving these was definitely a bright spot in our day! And another reminder of God's love and provision.

There's No Place Like Home

It happened today, an unexpected pang of grief. I knew it would. I had been warned by my friend Julie. Her father passed away recently and about 4 days ago she sent me a short essay she had written about an experience she had with "technology" asking her an insensitive question. Our friends are quick to catch themselves saying something that they think might upset me - like the word fire, or referring to something I have lost but may not have thought of yet, like my Nutcrackers :( but it really doesn't bother me, I joke about fires, even our fire. Perhaps it's the fact that it's accompanied by a tender look or a concerned tone. But techology is so insensitive, so matter of fact it took me by surprise and I was a little shocked by my reaction.


Alyssa had the day off today - staff development - and one of her friend's mothers offered to take a group of girls to Disneyland, God bless her! I had used the navigation system in my car to find her house, there were several turns and roundabouts (which always throw me off) and since I wasn't quite sure how to get out, I used it to leave as well. The thing is, it asked if I wanted to "go home". That was it, those two seemingly innocent words, did me in today. "Yes" I thought "I do want to go home" but it's not an option for me right now. I need to go to the place I live that isn't my home.

As I began to ponder what really makes a house a home, I paused and wondered, would my new house feel like home? I would not be surrounded by the precious mementos we have collected over the years....my kids and Mike would be there, but they are here...is it the neighbors? "Home is where your heart is" that's what they say but what does that mean? I don't have an answer and that upset me even more.

It's not the destination, it's the journey - that's what I have always believed. But, it's different being on a journey when you don't have the road home to look forward to.

Phantom Smell

It's funny how the brain works. It's almost like we forget our house, and just about everything we owned, burned down. During casual conversations we talk about things as if they are still available for us to use and lend. For example, Aidan offered his friend Shane the next book in his favorite series, and when Shane looked perplexed he just replied "really, I have every book in all three series" and then he remembered that actually they burned. When Alyssa asked to borrow my hair dryer, I asked what was wrong with hers - duh! Burned (well melted probably) the list goes on and on, fortunately it helps us laugh because we are more surprised at our own forgetfulness than we are at the losses (for the most part).

Now, I've heard of amputees experiencing a phantom itch (an itch on a limb that is no longer there). And the examples I just mentioned seem to fit into that category - the time we spent with is far longer than the time we've spent without and our brain just needs to catch up. But I was starting to worry that I was completely losing it because I have been experiencing a phantom smell. It's the strangest thing, I had never heard of anything like it but when I take a shower, every single time, I smell smoke. It's weird. Like after you've been at a bonfire, you don't smell the smoke until you get your hair wet and then, bam! stale ash, horrible smell. A day or two of it might have seemed normal but we are going on 3 weeks here and I smell it EVERY DAY I was about ready to seek professional help.

Yesterday Mike was sniff testing a plastic item I had brought from the house I wasn't sure if it would be considered "hard plastic", and safe to keep or, "soft plastic" and toxic. (fyi I tossed it)

He sniffed it and when I reminded him that "on plastic you can't always smell the smoke".
He replied "Oh I can, (which didn't surprise me cuz he thinks he has a super sniffer) like on our shower head"
"our shower head?!"

Turns out he brought the shower head from our newly remodeled master bath here, to this house. The reason I smell smoke when I shower is that our shower head is a smokey one! So, while I may be at the station, I have not yet boarded the train to crazy town ;) ....btw did I mention our phone isn't working now, this is getting silly!

Ninety-nine cents OR a Thousand dollars?

"Thank God we weren't home, we're safe, our pets were rescued and so were the pictures. Everything else can be replaced" that's what I said and that's what you all have been telling me, but actually, I'm beginning to realize, it's just not true. Yes, it's all just stuff but as I begin to list it, and assign "replacement values", I have come to understand that it is still a loss worth mourning.

Today I was at the house with with some very sweet, strong and quite frankly, a little pushy (but all in love) friends. We were there to take things out of the kitchen that are safe to remove. I was the "first one on scene" so to speak and as I looked around the kitchen and dining room at all my stuff I realized there were only a few things that really mattered to me; a few things handed down by each of my grandmothers, some pieces painted by my mom, and some items from our wedding, as far as I was concerned, the rest could go right into the dumpster with the rest of the house. And I meant it, and I still mean it. Perhaps I am not thinking clearly, or maybe I am being stubborn.

Those pushy friends of mine covered the bases by packing things up, whether I wanted them or not, offering to wash them, store them, and even use them :) until I am ready to move back in and decide once and for all, whether or not I really need, or want all that other stuff. And then they had the nerve to force me to eat lunch - can you imagine? Ganging up on me like that!

The thing is, I didn't want to spend time washing and packing my stuff, what I wanted to do was what I have seen many people do on TV and wondered what the heck they were thinking. I wanted to go dig through the ashes and find a buried treasure. What I REALLY wanted were the vacation journals written by Alyssa and Aidan. The tradition was inspired, in part, by a movie I had seen when Aidan was four. Right after, I bought each of them a composition notebook for 99 cents and each time we went on vacation they had to "write" something about the trip. Aidan was four and couldn't quite write when we started so he drew pictures of his first trip to the Wild Animal Park. Alyssa's writings were much more detailed, included lists and sometimes family trees, of each person with us ( you know we like to travel in a pack) or the Barbies she brought (she was a fanatic) sometimes she would also illustrate the pool or a map of the resort, and as she got older, she would take Aidan's book and correct his spelling and grammar with a red pen. How do I assign a replacement value of these books? Ninety-nine cents? I would pay a thousand dollars to buy them back. But even if the insurance company gave us a thousand dollars for each of them, I would still long to see those pages.

I am trying hard to count my blessings, not my losses. I am so grateful I have my kids, I have the memories and I have the pictures!!! I would not trade that for those books but the fact of the matter is, not everything can be replaced and the only other things I want out of that house are things I just can't have. It seems cruel to me that I can't just count it all as lost but I have to decide what those things are worth. And I'm sure it will seem even more cruel when I hear them tell me they aren't worth what I think they are.

Oh What A Night

Joan is out of the hospital -yeah. But she isn't doing well - boo. We got a very alarming call from her neighbor today - ok I am sugar coating it like I often do when I sit down to write these things. I want to be Susie Sunshine but the fact of the matter is that lady was REALLY MEAN and she made me cry, hard! I think it was the "I don't care that your house just burned down" comment that set me over the edge, but the important thing is we (Mike and I - the kids got picked up by Debbie) went to stay with Joan until Pat could get there and he will spend the night with her and take her to her Dr. tomorrow. So she should be on the mend soon.

I had a grand plan for this evenings blog. A great wisdom that I have learned and wanted to impart onto you all. Lots of people have been asking what I've learned during this process and though I am certain this process is only at the beginning stages, I have learned many things already. But alas, the events of the evening have me too pooped to party and too tired to type so check back tomorrow - or the next day (Amy brought me some Tylenol PM).

For now, I'll give you the facts :

We do not know the demo plans for our house.

We do know that NOTHING will happen until after March 10th when Lenox can get someone out to inspect the Furnace - I got to Thailand in 24 hrs, they must be coming from the moon. Until Then (and possibly longer) it will sit as it is. I keep thinking of our friend's neighbors that had a fire and there house sat for 8 mos while the insurance company hashed it out with the builder but I try not to spend too much time there.

And yes, we are expecting more rain. I feel sorry for the neighbors who have to see and smell it. It's gross!

I would like to collect some things from the china cabinet and kitchen Wed. so let me know if you are up for that dirty job!

Is this what purgatory feels like?

Well the dishwashers are fixed and I am just putting up with the dryer. Sharon came over on Friday to wait with me and helped me to unpack some of the things from the garage (we need to make some room to bring other things over) and we found all the Willow Tree Angels I have been collecting, it made me happy to see them, ashy though they were. And then I got a pkg in the mail from Colorado, my sister and her friends again! Now my angels have some new friends :) We have received some really sweet things from people we have never even met. It is so touching. I realize the other day I didn't cry when my house burned down but I cry at the generosity of others.

Yesterday we spent running from here to there trying to pick up some more of the things we need. Mike and Aidan replaced his fish tank and today they will get the fish (his ended up dying) if it all works out. Unfortunately Mike's mom, Joan, is in the hospital. She has COPD and caught a cold, the combination has made it very difficult for her to breathe. They ran some tests last night and are doing more this morning so, how things go with her will determine what we end up doing today.

As for the house...Mike waited an hour for someone to tell him what we already knew, "the piano is toast". It wasn't that bad after the fire but sitting in that wet house with no roof, during the rain, covered in plastic, did it in. But the washer and dryer seem to be ok so we are hoping to bring them here. We also grabbed some other things, glass baking dishes, flatware and my g'mas silver along with the Kitchinaide mixer.

We are hoping to hear about the demo plans this week. I think having the house torn down will feel good in an odd way. Hoping it will feel like the beginning of restoration instead of this sort of purgatory we are in right now.

Not sure if I mentioned our mailbox is still standing because it is detached from the house. So we continue to collect mail there though we are trying to get everything changed to this address. Friday we received a letter from our HOA to all the homeowners with a list of all the furnaces that had recalls (we have been assuming ours was on the list and was either never serviced or serviced incorrectly) well, our furnace was not on the list so there goes that theory. Not sure yet what that means to us, hopefully nothing but I'll keep you posted, meanwhile we'll just wait.